Ahmadiyya

Dear Ahmadis,

At a recent jalsa, a young unmarried couple were caught fornicating in a tent while friends of the boy watched and encouraged the couple. There are perverts defiling the honour and integrity of young girls and boys everywhere. The khalifa is robbing you blind and you are happily emptying your pockets and selling your children into his grateful lap. This is your saved sect?

Ahmadis, wake up and smell the coffee, before it’s too late. Keep your chanda in your pockets. Give Zakat instead. Stop going to Jalsa. And the money you save in Chanda, use it to help you do Hajj, with nothing but “Muslim” in your hearts and passports. Pray regularly, and offer durood to the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW, and forget about Mirza Ghulam Ahmad Qadiani. There is nothing wrong with the Islam of the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW. He was the greatest explainer of Islam, not any of the Mirza family.

Read the Holy Qur’an. Look for where Allah has asked you to believe in a “Promised Messiah” lest you lose your soul. I promise you, not a single referene exists.

Follow the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW and reject innovation and overly-contrived explanations, which Allah has expressly forbidden in the Holy Qur’an. “They follow nothing but conjecture”.

I will pray for all of us after posting this. I urge you Ahmadis, look deep, deep into your hearts with honesty. I am not seeking anything from you. Muslims seek nothing from you. It is Allah only to whom you should turn, not Mirza Masroor Sahib.

Embrace Islam and reject everything else.

‘This day have I perfected your religion for you, completed My favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.’

(Holy Qur’an, 5:3)

Islam was perfected in the lifetime of the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW. It needed no re-interpretation. And you need nothing more.

Wassalam and may Allah shower you all with His Infinite Mercy. Ameen

BismillahiRahmaniRaheem

20th January 2005

Dear Mirza Ghulam Ahmad Sahib,

I am writing to you in English as my Urdu is not that great. However, since you received revelations in English (let’s overlook the poor grammar, shall we?) and since no doubt you are with your esteemed friends, including Maulvi Muhammad Ali, whose grasp of English I understand was very good, getting a translation shouldn’t be a problem.

I appreciate that you are no longer alive, but since you measure the success of the mission of the Promised Messiah in terms of the lifetime of the movement, I thought the matter of your being on this realm or not was hair-splitting. Incidentally, I looked for the Promised Messiah in the Holy Qur’an, but couldn’t find him. I couldn’t find Hadhrat Imam Mahdi there either. Oh, I found Hadhrat Isa, but let’s face it, you’re not the same person. As for Krishna, I found no reference to him in our Noble Qur’an either. So please excuse me if in my confusion over your identity, I simply refer to you as respected Mirza Sahib.

This is an open letter, and I’m sure that those who are still loyal to your jama’at and who will remember me as being loyal to your jama’at before November 2004 will find the way I have addressed you to be a little disrespectful, not calling you Hazoor and all that, a term that I feel is more appropriate for the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW by the way. I know you said that “those who distinguish between me and Mustafa, have neither seen me, nor recognised me”, but I’m sorry, although I’ve only seen your picture - you definitely aren’t the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW. I know you’re from India, but aren’t you taking this Hindu concept of reincarnation a little too far?

In case this stings you slightly, I should point out that the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW, whom you followed in perfection to the point of being a second and improved advent of him was never averse to questions. Or was it Hadhrat Isa you claimed to be a second advent of? Or Krishna? Or was it all the prophets? I apologise for my confusion!

Since you have also abrogated the Qur’anic injuction of Jihad of the sword (Qital) for all time, I thought you would be open to a Jihad of the pen and thus my open letter. Don’t worry if you can’t reply yourself, I’d be happy to hear from one of your progeny, I mean, successors, seeing as they get revelations too. Maybe you could inspire them to reply?

Please excuse my frankness. As I say, I mean you no disrespect, this is merely my style. If you find me provocative, then I mean to provoke thought, not anger, you should consider me a friend! I really wouldn’t want you to write me a letter with a thousand numbered invocations of laanat. Since you have done this before, I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of you and receive perhaps 10,000 laanats or more, all diligently numbered.

Hey! That gives me an idea! If you had followed this example to its logical conclusion, then perhaps you could have delivered on your original promise of 50 volumes of the Braheen-i-Ahmadiyya after all, instead of reneging on your deal with Muslims and delivering only 5 volumes! I can understand why you had been criticising and abusing the poor suckers who had been waiting 20 years who foolishly asked for their money back. After all, didn’t they see the funny side of you deleting only a single dot from the promised figure? These Muslims! No sense of humour!

If you had followed my suggestion, perhaps you could have filled the 45 missing volumes with laanats for all of your enemies! Or for all future enemies! For all of Islam in fact, because over a billion Muslims still don’t believe in you and therefore, as you say, are not really Muslims anyway. So that’s OK then. Anyway, I digress - that way, you could have avoided all those unfair accusations that you were not setting a good example in terms of sticking to promises; or just as bad, that you had gone back on a business deal and that the customers of the transaction were indignant about only getting a tenth of what they paid for.

Never mind, we could always get one of your divinely-ordained progeny, I mean of course, an independent Khalifa who is not necessarily a direct descendant of your family and heir to your money (silly me, I meant the money you took from those suckers that believed you, just because you were as charismatic and brilliant at debate as any modern cult leader – I’d love to see who’d win a mubahila between you and L. Ron Hubbard) to write the missing volumes and claim that they were there all along, but that “stupid Muslims” hadn’t seen them or asked about them. It would be so easy, I mean, as you know, nowadays we have the word processor and we have cut and paste! Damn! If you had had these things in your day, you might have been able to do it yourself! Just hit Ctrl-V for half a day (you could do it between Fajr and Asr, since you had time because you were in the habit of doing Zohr and Asr together, great time-saver! How else were you going to break the cross, eh?) and you would have been able to stick to your promise!

Oh the bit about your family, I meant Hakim Noor-u-din notwithstanding; let’s face it, Ahmadiyyat was more his idea than yours anyway. I don’t think you denied that. You were just the front-man. The charismatic leader who could contradict himself a thousand times, but like Tony Blair, never get chucked out of your God-appointed office. You were untouchable. Whoops, didn’t quite mean it like that, you know what I mean!

Oh there’s a bit of confusion for me right there. You said your office was appointed by the “stamp”-like seal of the Holy Prophet SAW. I was under the impression that only Allah had the power to appoint prophets. My bad. Sorry for the misapprehension.

You handing over power to your brother-in-arms (oh, we can’t have that, you abrogated arms, whilst confiscating alms) … your brother-in-no-arms after your death probably inspired Prime Minister Tony Blair. Looks like he won’t hand over power to Gordon Brown until after his own demise either. And like Noor-u-din, Brown was always the real brains and Power behind the Throne. Of course – your throne is the greatest of all sent down according to what your God told you. Do you remember? I think you’re so impressive - that people still believed you after you made such obviously over-the-top claims about your own grandiosity and enormity.

Remember, you were promising 300 proofs of the superiority of Islam? I had an idea! Although you delivered only one proof in the end, you could have argued that since Allah is One, to have delivered 300 proofs might have implied a compromise in His Unity (God forbid). In fact, you could have just deleted the nukhtas and said “Since the difference between 300 and 3 is only two nukhtas, my promise has been fulfilled to those of understanding”. But wait! That still leaves you with two proofs too many! I know, you could have added “Allah revealed to me that three proofs is abrogated for all time, and He said He doesn’t want anything to do with the number “3” as it represents the Trinity and the ideology of the cross. And I have to get on with destroying that. My job role as Promised Messiah is too important an issue to set aside just to be fair and reasonable! So since I am here to show that there is no ‘3’, and there is only ‘1’, I have kept my promise”. Oh and of course, I almost forgot. Your job role as the Promised Messiah also obviated your requirement to do Hajj. People should understand that breaking the cross, which of course you did, oh wait, no, Christianity increased both during your office term and after it; let’s think about that one for a bit. Anyway, we’ll work out a good excuse as to why “the second advent of the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW” didn’t do Hajj.

Those “idiot Muslims” who were expecting you to stick to the letter of your word should have known that Allah Himself told you directly that you are to Him as His Unity and Uniqueness. Not even the Holy Prophet SAW could have claimed such a revelation! Isn’t your jama’at lucky to have you? Then again, you have claimed to be a more perfect advent of RasulAllah SAW and people really shouldn’t be expecting you to be so earthly as to condescend to honour a public transaction. That would mean you offered nothing new in Islam! No Shariah, no deal. It doesn’t matter that there is no concept of a Shariah-free-prophethood mentioned in the Holy Qur’an, since you are the best person to interpret it until Judgement Day.

Let’s face it, one of your greatest achievements was the new and interesting way you interpreted the Holy Qur’an! What were all those Arabs thinking of that they didn’t even understand their own language that it took a man of Mongolian, I mean, sorry, Persian descent to tell them what the Holy Qur’an really meant? You came to reform, to guide, to innovate all those great thinkers. Even Imam Bukhari got it wrong with his Sahih Bukhari, don’t you think? All that stuff about the Holy Prophet SAW being the last in the line of prophets! What a daft idea! It was something that no native Arab speaker for 1400 years got the hang of!

Anyway, what’s wrong with a fresh idea? What would be the point in another prophet like you if he was not going to be innovating in religion, even though Allah Himself has expressly forbidden it? Like your God said to you, if it wasn’t for you, He wouldn’t have created the heavens! I guess He created the Qur’an for you too, right? I mean, He did reveal it to you again. Maybe you think He got it wrong the first time? Maybe you think you understood it better than the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW and his Sahaba? Oh wait. You have Sahaba too, right? This is all getting a bit confusing.
Respected Mirza Sahib, I don’t mean to poke fun. You see, I’m of the Internet generation. We ask questions. We want to learn. We don’t just take things at face value. That might make us a little impertinent, but we don’t want to be taken for a ride. I’m sure you wouldn’t want innocent people taken for a ride. Would you?

Well, I’m sure you’re busy getting ready for your heavenly nikkah with Muhammadi Begum, that is assuming her legitimate and rightful husband doesn’t object, but who is he to stand in the way of such a great prophet, right? I know you can’t write back, but I know you’ll find a way of reading this. Perhaps you can ask Allah to inspire one of your descendants to respond? I’d love to know what you think of my ideas.

Wassalam,

Shahid Kamal Ahmad

I’ve now enabled comments for all viewers of this blog. You can be as anonymous as you like, and you don’t even have to be registered with blogger.

I was just wondering how Mirza Ghulam Ahmad would fare if he wished to be initiated into his own movement?

I refer you to the Initiation Conditions of jama’at Ahmadiyya to familiarise yourself.

Let’s procede to examine the requirements:

The initiate shall solemnly promise:

I. That he/she shall abstain from Shirk (association of any partner with God) right up to the day of his/her death.

That’s odd. I distinctly remember Mirza Sahib speaking contrary to this:

“It is an inspiration O’Mirza!  Whatsoever you intend for, it comes into existence instantaneously by your order.”

   (Roohany Khazaen, Vol. 22, P. 108; Tadhkira, P. 525/527, 656, Ed. II P. 826; Haqeeqat-al-Wahey P. 105)

Never mind, let’s move onto another condition.

II. That he/she shall keep away from falsehood, fornication, adultery, trespasses of the eye, debauchery, dissipation, cruelty, dishonesty, mischief and rebellion; and will not permit himself/herself to be carried away by passions, however strong they might be.

I’ll leave most of these for now, but let’s look at the last one. I’m not going to pull out the references, there are plenty, I have verified them for myself in a past life as an Ahmadi. For example, writing a thousand laanats, calling your opponents children of prostitutes etc. This behaviour also carries in it falsehood, dishonety, mischief and rebellion (against Islam!). Oh well, maybe there’s hope in the third condition? Let’s continue tomorrow and see if Mirza Sahib is able to score better.

We could actually stop here, since the failure to adhere to any one of the conditions invalidates the initiation. We can already conclude that Mirza Sahib was not an Ahmadi.

I went to my local baker one morning. I asked him, let’s call him Mr. Fitna, for a loaf of his finest bread. I liked Mr. Fitna, because every loaf was better than the last and always had a distinguishing feature.

“Shahid, this is the very last loaf I will make. It is the seal of loafs. Once I give this loaf to you, no more loafs will be made!”

I was perplexed. “But Mr. Fitna, is that really it? Is it really the last in the line of loafs?”

“Yes Shahid. But consider it a blessing. Every loaf I have ever made has been better and different. And every time a new loaf of bread came, you wondered if it really was a true loaf, whether you should stick to the old one or not, or whether to try the new one. Now you know that no loafs will come, you will remember this finest loaf of mine for all time and it will keep you happy until my bakery closes!”

I felt a bit happier. “But Mr. Fitna, you told me that you put a loaf of bread in the freezer, one you made a while ago! Won’t I ever get to try that one?”

“Shahid, you have a good memory! Yes, that loaf is in the freezer. It’s not my best loaf, but it was ok. I had a bit of it, and saved the rest for later. The day I close my bakery, I will defrost it, we will share it and it will remind us of the beauty of this last loaf I have made today!”

“But Mr. Fitna, won’t that make it the last loaf?”

“Don’t be ridiculous Shahid. You’re having the last loaf today! I made that loaf ages ago, this new loaf I made today. You might taste that loaf later, but it will be the same old loaf. How does that make it the last loaf?”

“I see Mr. Fitna. That makes sense to me.”

The following day I went back to the baker, Mr. Fitna, more out of habit than anything else.

“Shahid, I have a surprise for you!”

“Oh yes Mr. Fitna? What is it?”

“Do you remember yesterday I told you that the loaf of bread I gave you was the last loaf? Well, I got one of those buns and slapped it into the tin that I made the last loaf in and here you go, a new loaf of bread, but not really a loaf of bread, more like a shadow of the one I made yesterday. A reflection of its glory. It in no way infringes on the finality of that loaf of bread!”

“Mr. Fitna, you’re confusing me. Is this a new loaf or not?”

“Well yes Shahid, but in a shadowy kind of way, and it doesn’t have any new ingredients, they were already there!”

“But Mr. Fitna, what are you claiming? Was the loaf of bread yesterday truly the last in the line?”

“Oh Shahid, you are stupid! How would that loaf be great, if the tin which was used to make it couldn’t be used again to stamp out new loaves in its image?”

“Mr. Fitna, you are desecrating the memory of your greatest loaf of bread! The last in the line! No more bread was to be made! And yet here you are with a counterfeit bun in a worthless tin, with no new or changed ingredients?”

“Well no, not quite, I abrogated yeast, so this loaf is incapable of rising up! But I can assure you, this is to me like a second advent of yesterday’s loaf of bread, as it possesses all of its qualities. But you know, although the tin has been re-used the once, I don’t think I’ll use it again, so I threw it away. Now no more bread will come!”

“But Mr. Fitna, you told me that yesterday! Aren’t you really saying that the worthless bread you have made today is the last in the line of bread to be made?”

I was really confused. The bread I was offered yesterday had been the best I had ever tasted. And now I was being offered this useless counterfeit, mocking the image of the original, whilst sneakily singing its praises. Everyone could see that it was a shadow of the original in a pejorative sense, not a reflection in the glorious sense. A pale imitation. A fraud. And what was all the circuitous nonsense that Mr. Fitna was contriving to convince and confuse me with?

“If you eat this bread today, you will be showing me how much you loved the best of bread yesterday! Eating this bread will be like a homage to the Signet-Ring of loafs! In fact, I don’t believe that you really love that finest loaf, or believe it was the best, unless you eat this loaf today. Only through eating this bread today, can you be assured of being amongst those who thought the bread yesterday was the best ever made!”

“Mr. Fitna, what would you say to all those people who tried that loaf yesterday, but didn’t come to your shop today to see this fake loaf? Or those who having heard what you said about yesterday’s bread being the best ever made, and the last in the line until your bakery closes, only testified to the tastiness of yesterday’s seal of the loafs?”

“Shahid, it’s simple. Those who distinguish between the greatest loaf of bread ever made and this new one today, have neither seen it, nor recognised it!”

“Mr Fitna, has anyone ever told you that you’re full of….”